People don't even realize that what they're actually resigning from is white supremacy culture.
That's what runs the vast majority of our workplaces.
And it doesn't work.

Peep the 13 Characteristics of White Supremacy Culture

1. Perfectionism
   
2. Sense of Urgency
   
3. Defensiveness
   
4. Quantity Over Quality
   
5. Worship of the Written Word
   
6. Paternalism
   
7. Either/Or Thinking
   
8. Power Hoarding
   
9. Fear of Open Conflict
   
10. Individualism
    
11. Progress is Bigger, More
    
12. Objectivity
    
13. Right to Comfort

Each characteristic has several antidotes.

Once you understand the poison you've been unintentionally drinking, you can apply the right cure. Treat yourself first, then, if you choose to, give others the cure.

Helping others can look like starting or joining your organization's Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging (DEI or DEIB) Committee.

That's what I did. That's what I'm currently doing.

Source: Dismantling Racism: A Workbook for Social Change Groups, by Kenneth Jones and Tema Okun, ChangeWork, 2001

I was inspired to write and record this particular blog post because I was neck deep in overwhelm just two weeks ago. One week later, I was no longer overwhelmed. And it’s not because I checked off all the items on my to-do list. I consistently felt vibrant, grounded, and back to normal from 4 specific practices I do when overwhelm sets in.

Now I’m sharing these practices with you. I call them practices instead of tips, because when you adopt a practice as a way of life, when you do a practice consistently, your life changes. Tips, however, they come and go. You might use them once or twice. Maybe they help and maybe they don’t. But a practice, now that sets you up for lasting change.
 
Without further ado let’s dive in.
​

​I used to be a frustrated employee. Several years ago. Working in stale office (and retail) environments for years. Wanting out. Feeling stressed. I gotta leave this place. I have to stop doing this kind of work. I should be somewhere else by now.
 
But I didn’t feel ready to leave. Not yet. So I still had to show up to the job. Meanwhile, I’ve got personal concerns and a bunch of errands I need to take care of and things I would much rather be doing instead. I tell myself that I don’t have time for all of this.
 
Now I’m overwhelmed.
 
Stop Overwhelm Practice #1 - STOP
 
One of the first things I learned about masterfully handling overwhelm was to watch my language and STOP saying, or thinking, phrases like:

• I have to
• I should’
• I need to’
• And to definitely stop saying ‘I don’t have time for this.’

 
Did you catch the words I used in the paragraphs above? I gotta leave this place. I have to stop doing this kind of work. I should be somewhere else by now. 

How do I FEEL when I constantly declare these utterances?
I feel stressed, tense, anxious, and worried.
 
What do I DO when I feel stressed, tense, anxious, and worried?
​I stress out some more and find other things to feel tense, anxious, and worried about. I basically prolong my experience of overwhelm.
 
I bet the same happens for you. But don’t take my word for it; test it yourself.
 
Then I experimented with other phrases, like:

• I get to
• I choose to
• I want to’

 
Examples: I get to leave this place when the time is right. I choose to show up to my job until I’m ready to leave.
 
How do I FEEL when I think and speak like this?
I feel empowered, encouraged, inspired.

What do I DO when I feel empowered, encouraged, and inspired?
I look for productive means to improve my situation. I imagine possibilities for my future.  
 
Overwhelm doesn’t just happen. There’s a string of messy thoughts that, left unchecked, butt heads at the same time then ‘all of a sudden’ you feel overwhelmed.
 
In those instances remind yourself: It’s OK. No problem. This is what humans do.
 
Now with awareness, pay attention to how you feel when you say and think all kinds of things. Watch what you do when you feel the way you feel. Emotions are powerful allies and guideposts to navigating your day.
​

Two weeks ago SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) hit me hard. No sunlight upon awakening hit me hard. A messy conversation with a family member kept catching me off guard. And I still have to show up for work. Still have a list of to-dos. OVERWHELM.
 
Amidst the angst I realized that I hadn’t scheduled enough time to complete some of the stuff I chose to do, like find a new doctor. I operated under the assumption that I would just fit this in sometime in some nebulous somewhere.
 
Stop Overwhelm Practice #3 -
​SLOW DOWN
 
Slowing down means giving yourself more time than you think you’ll need to complete what’s important. Yes indeed. Slowing down also means it’s OK to do less today.
 
After a period of self-reflection and coaching, I realized that NOT allowing myself double or triple the time I thought it would take to look for that new doc, was, unknowingly, contributing to my feeling overwhelmed.
 
Not giving yourself enough time à Procrastination à Feeling guilty and obligated. Guess what that means? More overwhelm!
 
Slowing down means allowing yourself to move in a more manageable rhythm. It means finding your flow and traveling with it. It means designing your schedule to take deep breaths.Often.
 
When I literally breathe deeply, I expand my diaphragm and create space in my body. Adding more time to complete actions + decreasing how much I’m doing in a day is the equivalent of taking deep breaths in my schedule.

​When you slow down your actual breathing, your cortisol levels drop. When you slow down your schedule, your overwhelm dissipates.
 
I choose to give myself the gift of breathing. Deeply. And often. How about you?
​

​When my overwhelm was no longer a thing last week, I felt calm, centered, focused. I’ve been waking up before my alarm energized and ready for the day. Creativity has been flowing. Feeling steady within myself. Scheduling and doing the most important actions and discarding the fluff.
 
Stop Overwhelm Practice #4 – SOCIALIZE
 
Of all the practices, I think this one made the biggest impact. I isolate when I’m in my head. Overthinking and overwhelming. It’s easy to make social time a non-priority.
 
I’ve been through this several times before and each instance I’m in an emotionally heavy place, QUALITY CONNECTION eases it. Pretty much. Every. Single. Time.
 
So a week and a half ago, I kept my happy hour appointment with colleagues, even though flashes of “maybe I should cancel” crossed my mind. Because at that time I was still pretty f*cking overwhelmed. We spent hours laughing, sharing stories, and enjoying each other.

Quality connection eases tension and creates space for ascension.
 
I didn’t have plans two weekends ago, so I reached out to multiple friends until one of them said yes. We spent a glorious afternoon in meaningful conversation. Then we explored a mind-bending immersive art installation.

Quality connection eases tension and creates space for ascension.
 
That family member I had issue with? I called my mom and told her what was bothering me. She shared my burden. I felt lighter.

Quality connection eases tension and creates space for ascension.
 
When you feel overwhelmed, it may seem counterintuitive to go have fun and connect with your beloved humans. Instead, lots of folx effort harder to get things done. Bringing in some levity is work/life blend or work/life harmony in practice. Tending to my social life positively influenced my work life.
 
You might say to yourself, “But I can’t afford to take a break and go be with people.”
Umm, you can’t afford not to. To keep pushing ahead without rest and joy leads to burnout. Then you’ll be incapacitated a whole lot longer than the 3 hours it took to spend time with people you care about.
 
My quality social and family connections contribute to my increased energy. My joie de vivre returns.
  
Overwhelm can sneak up on you.
When you realize you’re in it, you get to stop it. 
 
When you develop mastery over your mental and emotional experience, you have the energy and focus to do the most important things, not only on your massive action list, but the most important things in your heart.

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As a life coach, I help people like you take control of overwhelm so they can focus on, and actually accomplish, the things they say they want most.
 
I support folx in finding their flow. I help them design the career of their dreams while taking excellent care of their health and relationships. I help them conduct their life based on their natural rhythm…and not anybody else’s.
 
I’d love to help you do that too.
 
If these things don’t come naturally to you, but you want it to, let’s talk it through. Just REACH OUT TO ME and let’s create something new.
 
 May you feel good on the regular and kick ass on the daily.

I felt the life drain out of me when I worked 40-hr/week office jobs.

I lived on the other side of town so my commutes sucked. On top of that, no matter how much effort I put in to create expansive opportunities to thrive at the job, something was still very off.

The jobs, in and of themselves, were good jobs. But I wasn't the best fit for them.

My body was there, but my mind and heart were elsewhere. This dissonance affected my sleep. It contributed to my stinky morning moods. But I wasn't ready, nor in a position to, resign just yet.

I thought about this long and hard. I shared about it with trusted confidantes, including a colleague in another department.

I had a teary-eyed breakdown in front of her. I just didn't know what to do.

Then she asked me a powerful question: “Valerie, why don’t you propose a 30-hr per week schedule instead of 40?”

My mind was blown. The idea had never crossed my mind. I didn't even know I could do that.

I immediately felt relief at the suggestion. So I ran with it...in steps.

Step 1: Confirm the Financials
I had recently been granted a promotion so I was already earning more than I had been a few weeks prior. I calculated expenses and income to make sure that a 30-hr/week income wouldn't be shooting myself in the foot. My findings: I could afford to bump down to 30. And even if the numbers didn't pan out favorably, I knew how I could earn the difference doing work that was more in my wheelhouse.

Step 2: Collect Data
For 2-3 weeks straight, I kept a daily log of how much time I spent fulfilling my duties and responsibilities. From the time I sat at my desk to the time I left for the day, I accounted for every minute. If I was going to ask for a reduction in hours then I chose to provide undeniable justification for it. My findings: It took me 30 hours per week to do my job. Not 40.

Step 3: Make the Request
I showed my manager that I only needed 30 hours to fulfill my duties. I made the case that for me to be there longer was inefficient and an unnecessary expense on the department's financial resources. I didn't make the request about me. I did not say, "I really don't like these commutes. I'm not sleeping well. And I'm feeling depressed." I focused on the value my request would bring to my employer.

Step 4:  Enjoy It
My 30-hr request was granted. I worked 6 hours a day instead of 8. My schedule rotated between  10am-4pm and 11am-5pm instead of 9-5 and 10-6. Yes! I felt mad gratitude to my colleague who made the suggestion. I appreciated my trusted confidantes in holding space for me to process my desire. I thanked myself for following through on this act of personal care and wellness. My mornings were no longer filled with stinky moods. They were glorious. I filled that time with edifying activities, including taking action to build my business.

This experience taught me that I didn't have to adhere to other society's expectations of what a work schedule should look like. 

This experience taught me that I could be a great employee AND prioritize my well-being.
In fact, I am a great employee BECAUSE I prioritize my well-being.

This experience taught me that so much more is negotiable than I can imagine. 

What do you need to negotiate in support of your well-being?

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I help professionals experience vitality at work, and beyond, by prioritizing their personal wellness.
Contact me if you're ready to live like this.

You think you SUCK at making decisions.

You hem and haw for days.

You ask a bunch of people what they think, hoping that the answer will be crystal clear once you hear the "right" answer. But you're left even more confused.

You make a choice. Then you change your mind. Two minutes later you flop back to your first choice.

In my previous post Why It's So Hard to Make Decisions, I uncovered a hidden reason why you feel like a hummingbird's wings when you're presented with options. Before you continue reading, read that post and watch the accompanying short video to get to the root of why you do what you do. 

I'll wait . . . 

​OK, now that we're both on the same page, here's how you go about making confident decisions. Ready? Oh, but why didn't I just title this article "How to Make Decisions"?

Because it's not just about making any old decision. It's about feeling good with your decision, even if the outcome doesn't go the way you expect. It's about making decisions that inspire you. It's about making decisions that leave you feeling proud of yourself. 

Confident decision-making boils down to two words: TRUST YOURSELF

Ugh. Cue the eye rolling. Cue the exasperated, "Seriously? But how do I do that?"

Your brain can't wrap it's head around what trusting yourself even means.
Stay with me here.
There's more.

Know thyself to trust thyself.

OMG, Valerie. Are you kidding me with this cryptic esoteric verbiage?

Hold up. Let me break it down for you and then provide practical application.

Think of your social life. What’s the point of dating people before getting into a relationship with them? To get to know them, right? To understand how they view the world. To see if you can live with their quirks. To determine if you gel together.

Now fast forward ten dates later. How do you feel about someone you spend lots of quality time with? You trust them. You believe in their reliability. You believe they are being honest with you. You know they have your back.

When you trust someone you have confidence that they have your best interests in mind and at heart.

Now switch the camera to selfie view. When you trust yourself you have confidence that you are looking out for you. You believe in your reliability towards yourself. 

Same way that you would spend oodles of quality time with a love interest, do the same with yourself. ​Spend oodles of quality time solo. Take that cherished me-time. Even if you’re an extrovert, you can still find time to just do you. Take yourself on an artist date. Start small if you must. 30 minutes. Then build up from there. Re-discover yourself. 

Some other ideas:

• Grab paper and pen. Set a timer for 10 minutes and write down every single thought you're thinking. This is a practice in observing your thoughts. The human brain thinks over 6,200 thoughts per day. Get curious about your own mind and document what you find.

• Go for a 30-minute walk around your neighborhood and leave your phone at home. Look around. What do you notice? What makes you feel good? Pay attention to what catches your attention and ask yourself why it does.

• Dine at your favorite restaurant. Solo. As you explore the menu, let yourself be drawn to the items that whet your palate. Then order them. Don't second-guess. Go with your first thought. Savor the experience of treating yourself to a delicious meal. Watch the people around you. Get curious about your mind. Discover what amuses you and what doesn't. Turn your phone off. Scrolling on the medias and incessantly checking texts defeat the purpose of this exercise.

• Take a day trip around your city. Do not plan your route in advance. Hop on a bus or train and only get off on stops that spark your interest in some way. Walk around. Meander. Pay attention to the  the path that inspires you, that makes you feel safe. Don't think hard on this. Go with your gut. The point is to practice listening to your intuition and follow it.​
  

• Take a dance or fitness class. Virtual and in-person both work. Now, pay attention to how your body feels with each movement the instructor gives you. Do you need to adapt certain movements to fit your body's needs? Pay attention to the moves that feel really good. Do more of those. Movement is one of the most powerful ways of developing trust between your mind and your body. Read Chapter 3 of my book Feel Good Kick Ass Confidence: Using Your Body to Rock Your Life, where we explore specific ways that moving your body increases your confidence. I show you how to participate in dance classes as a training ground to create what you want in the rest of your life. You can read that chapter gratis here.

Spend time with yourself to know yourself.
Know yourself to trust yourself.
Trust yourself to make confident decisions.
​Rinse. Repeat.

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Want more tools to deepen your self-trust? Read my entire book "Feel Good Kick Ass Confidence: Using Your Body to Rock Your Life" for comprehensive techniques and practices on the road to making more and more confident decisions.
​

You don't like your office job. But you don't think you're ready to jump ship...yet. Or you vacillate between I need to get the f*** out of here and Well, maybe it's not so bad.

When I worked in admin, and retail, I wish someone could've just given me the answer. And I wish that answer came from someone who knew what it was like to have the job I did. It was excruciating being in that in-between space. And I stayed in that space for years.

Well, I've created a quiz to help you move forward and take the next step. Take the quiz below. You'll receive one of three suggestions about what to do next.

If you want forward traction, do the suggestions. 

When I was in the I-don't-know zone, I worked with multiple business coaches to help guide my exit plan. None of them had my experience though. None of them spoke the language of admin or retail. See the thing was, I didn't just need help with getting the hell out of the job and creating my life coaching and dance workshops business. I needed guidance with navigating excellence at the job while I sought greener pastures. That's a whole 'nother ballgame.

That's why I created this quiz. For admins by a former admin. 

Have fun! And do the work.

Today we’re talking about why it’s so hard to make decisions. Whether it's which restaurant to pick for dinner, which outfit to wear to the party, or what your next career move is, I've got you covered.

In this video I share two reasons why you're struggling to make decisions. With these reasons in hand, I trust that you’ll get to the root of what causes you to prolong your decision-making. Awareness is the first step to change.​
​

​Are you a dissatisfied professional craving an exceptional career, business, and life? Are you capable of so much more than you're currently living? I can help you find the vitality and joy missing from your life by cultivating admirable personal wellness. Let's start with how you communicate. Receive my free virtual class How to Become a Confident and Assertive Communicator.